It all starts without warning, a loved one or trusted authority thrusts a sharp dagger slicing deep into the child's innocent heart shattering its safe world of love with betrayal. A reflex pulls the heart away as the first painful emotion brings a fear of death and insecurity. Stunned in disbelief the child's mind scrambles to make sense of the puncture the heart has just sustained. Confused and unable to comprehend the assault, the child accepts full responsibility. Year after year the pattern continues, as trust becomes a distant memory.
Deep within solitude and far from discovery the mirror of the buried heart reflects failure and loneliness. The mind caught off guard responds with a legion of proof the inner voice is a lie. As time passes and silent to all others, the heart's once small whisper increases to a scream the mind can not suppress. Plunging into a darkness of conviction and despair a knowing of the failure permeates the body. Shocked by the inner betrayal, a rage is created that will not relent. Over and over you seek for the one to blame, but none can be found. Through desperate fear the mind has the solution. You are the one to blame.
The now silent heart slowly dies unaware of its gradual fate as despair trickles into the cold voids where the dream once lived. Day after day the darkness kills thoughts before they transform into action bringing a paralysis to life. Moving deeper and deeper into hopelessness, the childhood dream no longer exists. Replaced with a cold hatred that the song of lies was ever heard. Death is the only escape and love is a lie.
im here.again.i dont know what to say.i dont know how to start this.something inside of me tells that i should let this out.and i will.and now people will see how vulnerable i am.
nobody knows what's been happening to me lately.people are clueless.they just dont care.me too.hhaha.the past three months of this freakin year was the most outrageous era of mylife. i did things i dont usually do,and if creatures from where i came from will know about this,they'll certainly deny me.i was out of my lolo's place for months now.well the catch? ive got nowhere and no one to hang on with here in this city where im at.at first i was scared,but what the heck i said to myself im gonna do it.and i did. but..hehehehe.i did the other way.i was a "palaboy" here in manila for 3 months but im not the palaboy that you think it is.i used myself.hey i know that i am a goodlooking lad, and i just used my gift.heheheheh.i sleep with strangers.beautiful strangers.im getting paid for doing what i love most-sex.and i get to bed with these goodlooking men.gawd! and the homes! fabulous! the catch? well hey.here it is.im tired of doing it.well ive been doing this for 3 months but i cant possibly go on like this forever ayt? i need a goal.i need motivation.an inspiration.i need to change.i need to feel love that i never felt when i was a kid.but i cant possibly have those. i cant.i just cant.no one will ever gimme that.but i think i was wrong...
I met this guy online.at first i was fuckin annoyed cause he keeps on asking questions which i hate to answer, and so i did my usual route.the antipatiko one.then later on that night we talked on the net. a long talk.but i never believed in evrything that he said.but he proved me wrong. he went all the way from cavite just to see that night.he was with his friend.and i know deep in my heart that he is more than willing to help. i was touched of course i am.im not made of wood and its obvious.we talked things and voila! i was with him in cavite. during the short time that i was with him i felt something.it feels warm when im with him...i feel secured and safe from harm when he wraps his arms around me..for the 1st time in mylife i felt happy and safe...and from that moment on,i know i found what im not lookin for-love.i believe in everything that he said.god knows i do,but there are hesitations in my fragile heart...i need to let go of the past.i need to let the anger go away.all i gotta do is trust him and believe in myself,forget the past and try to forgive and be forgiven.i know i gotta do this.ive got to.this is my last chance of a better life.a peaceful one.no hesitations.no doubts.i want to thank him for this.for evrything.he gave meaning to my life.and im gonna do evrything for him.and i hope my gamble this time wont lose...
ive never loved manila.ive never partied in manila.why? cos nobody knows me here.and evrybody knows that partying in a place whrere nobody knows you is a suicide.deglamourizing i must say.this is just so sad.so tragic.
Back in the OC and Cebu,fridays and saturdays were all about drinking.dancing.socializing.and the usual plastican route.i just love that.everybody's dressed to the nines.(except me.dressing up for a party? no way!) everybody knows everyone else..that is soooo kawaii!!! you know that? everytime i went to bebida's in the OC people from ALL sides of the bar calls my name.i was the most popular guy.ever.i just adore being popular.the feeling is so divine i might add.Mango Square in Cebu is as lovely as Esquinita.the difference? ManGo Square is MINE.esquinita's not. do you get that? i just missed the people.the drinks.the music.the food.YUM!. Club Vudu at the crossroads.words are not enough to describe the place.fabulous.glamorous.effortless beautiful creatures of cebu went there.back in the OC.club dustria.the food are better than bebida's but the cocktails and music are shit.you dont wanna know why i promise.bebida's offers the greatest drinks and the most marvelous people.
back here in manila,it's all about being unpopular.yeah i know what you think. i went to funky places here in malate,fab ones at rockwell,and any other premier glam night spots here in the metro,but still nobody will ever talk,greet.or even make friends with me.I hate manila. it makes me feel uncomftable and ugly(well i know im not super goodlooking or anythin).but why does the OC and Cebu freakin love me? manila seem to hate me....WHY?
Please support Our Fellow ormocanon bhel...she's the Fhm online babe march 2007! ur ratings are much appreciated.thanks!below is the interview.
After the Allied Forces stormed onto the island of Leyte over 60 years ago, who would've thought that not only were they liberating an entire country, but were also spurning a whole new breed of mocha-colored goddesses whose sex appeal are more explosive than the 16-inch shells the American Navy used to pummel the Japanese into submission?
Just take a look at Ormoc City's nonpareil knockout, Bhel, and you'll know exactly what we're talking about. Don't let her statuesque body, make-you-weak-in-the-knees smile, or her doughty manner of playing with the camera fool you; she is actually very conservative and a staunch believer of haranas, meet the parents-type ligawans and general chivalry — things which most of us summarily dismiss as dead.
Now while looking at her photos alone might be enough for you desk jockeys to choke on your cup noodles and make you forget how to do your job, we, unfortunately, have to remember ours, which is to dish out more information about this lovely lady.
We just have to say that your skin tone is about 10,000 shades of sexy. Do you live near the beach?
[laughs] Thank you! Yes, actually I'm from Ormoc, Leyte and lumaki ako mga five minutes away from the beach lang.
So, besides heating up camera lenses with your sexiness, what do you do?
Not much, I'm actually still studying. I'm on my fourth year of college taking up Hotel and Restaurant Management.
What's your idea of fun?
I usually just hit the clubs! Mahilig akong sumayaw!
Well, we're sure you compel wallflower guys to venture to the dance floor. Who do you usually go out with? Boyfriend?
I don't have a boyfriend! I am dating, though.
Great! For guys out there at least. What do you look for in a guy?
Not much really. Sense of humor lang talaga yung hinahanap ko. Gusto ko rin comfortable kami with each other and I can show the real me to him when we're together. Ayoko ng nagpepretend. Have you ever gone on a date where you had to pretend?
Yeah! There was this one time I went out with this guy na sobrang mahinhin. He was so vain na parang mas babae pa siya sakin. So, of course I had to adjust the way I acted that night kahit papaano.
Well, then describe to us your idea of a perfect date.
Unfortunately I haven't experienced a perfect date yet. Pero madali akong i-please, just give me flowers and I'd be happy. The important thing is that the guy shows me a good time.
We understand that you don't have any prior modeling experience under your belt, do you have any aspirations of modeling professionally?
Oo naman. If there's an opportunity, I'd really want to become a ramp model. I've actually been dreaming of becoming a ramp model ever since I was a little girl. Well we're more than positive that that's within reach. So, do you have any models you look up to?
Well I really love Tyra Banks! Sobrang confident niya and the way she carries herself is just amazing. Locally, I like Melanie Marquez.
If you can describe yourself, would you say you're conservative or liberated?
It might not be obvious with the way I dress, but sobrang conservative ako!
In what way are you conservative?
Gusto ko parin yung dating proseso ng ligawan. Gusto ko umaaakyat parin ng ligaw yung lalaki sa bahay. Do they have to give live chickens and twenty cows to your parents as dowry, too?
[laughs] Hindi naman ‘no!
What is the craziest thing you've done with a boyfriend?
Marami! [laughs]
Well, we're listening!
Kakulitan lahat! Argh! Don't leave it at that!
I'm a real prankster! It's normal for me to do crazy stuff at malls with a boyfriend. Like there was this one time when he dared me to drop a plastic cup filled with iced tea from the third floor to the ground floor — and I did! The security guard even ran after us! It was such a rush!
Oh, that kind of crazy. Nothing crazier? Like, say, progressing from dropping plastic cups to dropping 500lb Acme anvils?
[laughs] No!
Now that you've been featured in FHM, what are your plans?
I plan to diet and improve my body further.What are you talking about? You look hot as you are right now!
Eh gusto kong paliitin yung tiyan ko! Feeling ko kasi ang laki ng tiyan ko eh!
Well we’re sure you're the only one who thinks that. For the rest of us, your tummy looks divine. What do you do to keep yourself in such good shape?
Wala lang. I exercise every morning. I make it a point to take the time to jog around our subdivision early in the morning. We have a feeling that even your neighbors wake up early to see you jog. What is this diet that you speak of?
I'm very disciplined. I actually just eat rice in the morning and settle for small meals throughout the day.
How about when you go out? Do you drink alcohol? Doesn't that ruin your diet?
Dati. Pero one year na akong hindi umiinom, eh. I don't like getting drunk anymore.
Why? Did you have any bad experiences drinking?
May tendency kasi akong maging wild masyado pag nalalasing, eh! Parang lahat ng tao nilalandi ko na! [laughs] Nilalandi?
I hug everybody! And nagiging malambing ako sa lahat ng tao.
Well, isn't that a good thing? We mean, we certainly wouldn't mind having you around us drunk.
Well let's just say I don't want to do something I would end up regretting.
Fair enough. What's the worst thing that ever happened to you while drunk?
There was this one time I got so drunk at a beach party and I was so bombed that I was literally throwing up all over the place. My friends had to drag me home. I don't want that to happen again.
i wanna change the philippine's CRAP & HORRENDOUS taste in clubbing. imagine? hearing stupid remixes of pop & rnb tracks all night long in a good club? bonnie bailey shit? bob sinclar's ohhh sooo cheeesssyyy songs? or moony's fat ass? ive got my dose of those.I DESPERATELY WANT TO MAKE A CHANGE. i dont wanna feel the LOVE GENERATION.obviously i am not cinderella who wants a happy EVER AFTER ending. i dont even wanna feed a single DOVE. see?
want my playlist? e-mail me. ill send you REAL CLUB TRACKS.
Good day people. It's been a while since i blogged.but still,nothing has changed. I'm still the same old brand new me. But there are a few crap changes. I'll tell the details later.
as the days go by,i'm getting more and more hopeless. After two days of goin' to school,my lolo got mad and told me to stop.the reason? I was two hours late my actual time to come home.cos' a classmate asked me to go to metro manila college. And the rest was history.
I think i should stick to the original plan.suicide.i'll be better if i'm dead right? You know what. As i've told you guys eons ago,nobody cares.i thought my life would be better if i'm here in manila.but i think it just got worst.i've been doin' things i don't usually do to please the people that i live with but i don't think what i'm doin' is enough.this is not like me.i don't know what to do.fuck.i'm useless.my existence is meaningless.i'm nothing.why the am i fuckin alive? If i'm dead i don't have to think of a single shit.the problems would be gone(oh i forgot. If i'm dead,the maggots would be there to devour me.that would be gross.and i don't want my body to be cremated too.that hurts.and who would pay the expences anyway?)duh. See? I still have to think of those shit.it seems like that i don't have a choice but to live this worthless life of mine.i'll just face the reality.nothing good would ever happen to me.come what may.I'll just fuck everyone who comes around,do more mean things,and totally loose my faith.jesus sucks.god sucks.they're not real.
I don't care what you people will fuckin say,but i think thats the reason why im alive.being bad.not believing in the church, And worship sailormoon instead.(too bad she's good)hehehehehehe.
I have a twisted evil mind and i love it.expect more twisted things that i'm goin to do,say and write in these coming days.
I don't need a lover,a family or a friend,(i don't even have a real one of those) to straighten up my twisted mind. I need a psychiatrist. Get that?
Feel free to comment i don't care if you people are going to curse me. But hey, i don't really give a shit.
-markie-
gawd...its been a month now. hmmmm. will somebody tell me what im gonna do with this fuckin life of mine? it's just meaningless. i dunno whats the purpose of my existence. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..... sooner or later im gonna commit scuicide.yup im serious.i really am. u know, nobody cares who boknoy is, or what he's doing or where he is now,or is he still alive or not. even my family doesn't have a clue.(as if they care). even my so called FRIENDS....duh...they hated me for what i did....they just don't know that i did that for a reason...why do some people don't understand? why won't they just leave me and stop telling my TRUE friends about how horrible and despicable a person am i? how i horribly did THAT? why wont they just understand me? well i thought they're smart and broadminded people.well i never thought of them as judgmental people.im disappointed.duh. i highly respect those people too much. to the point of...duh. nevermind.but now? i just don't know what i feel. i really need realization....i need to be surrounded by people whose lives meaningful and happy. i need to change but i wanna die.(where's the sense in that? my gawd boknoy!) duh.